Dear Ex-Best Friend

I haven’t thought about you in years. I mean, really thought about you. Until the other day when I was packing this year’s birthday cards away and I found one you made me. It had the old school WordArt and ClipArt from Microsoft Office 2003, I think. I didn’t read your kind words like I did all those years ago, but I did reminisce for a moment.

Remember the sleepovers? We would watch horror movies until 3am and then hear strange noises outside your house in the middle of nowhere. I would always sleep in between you and Justin in case they were real. I considered these nights a loophole for not being allowed to stay the night at his house just yet, but nothing ever happened, you knew that. We ate the chocolate croissants you took home from work every week for breakfast. I laughed at the huge stack in your freezer. I held onto you on the back of the quad bike. We hit a fence post on your property and you fell off. Oh how we laughed!

You would sit on the sidelines and watch my soccer games after school even when my boyfriend forgot. Your cheers were always the loudest. You’d listen to me vent my frustration and calm me down during half time if we were losing. If we won I’d run to you and squeeze you so hard. You didn’t care how dirty I was; you knew how important it was to me.

Remember the giraffe you drew in your diary in English class? I thought it was cute and wanted the same one in my diary. Even our teacher thought it was original! Or our soap opera role play in drama class? The pregnant teenager and the outraged mother. Everyone laughed at how dramatic we were. I’m not sure how we got away with acting out such a touchy subject at a Catholic school.

You tried to convince me you saw Blink-182’s first ever demo cassette tape at a store. I laughed in your face and told you a million times that it didn’t make it to LA let alone were we live. You bought me their Greatest Hits album for Christmas that year. You gave it to me at a party on a hot night after school finished. We jumped in the pool with our clothes on and watched the boys play ‘Carousel’ in the garage (Just you wait and see/As school life is a.../It is a woken dream/Aren't you feeling alone?). Our tops were white, soaking wet and see-through. We took turns holding up towels so we could change into something darker. I still have that CD in my collection, and also the T-shirt from that festival has survived many spring cleans.

Then on New Year’s Eve we had that party at your house. I asked you if could bring someone else since my boyfriend and I had broken up. You rolled your eyes and muttered something about him not being good for me, but you said yes anyway. We sneaked a few drinks and downed them with the others. It was the first time any of us had drank alcohol. I felt weightless like the warm air of the night. At midnight we took off our clothes and ran to the park in our bras and panties. You in white; me in black, we fell on the grass laughing. I rolled onto my back and you said we can see so many stars because we were away from the city. We laid there until someone called our names. Then you dragged me to your bed so I wouldn’t sleep with him. In the morning, you jumped on me to wake me up.

Remember when your brother’s friend led you on? You came to school blinking back tears. I took you to the benches in the courtyard and held your hand as you cried on my shoulder. I told you I was there for you like you were there for me. I stayed home from the school the day after we broke it off. You didn’t have your phone so you made up some story and called me from the phone in the administration building. You tried to console me until the bell rang even when you knew it was my fault. I asked if he was upset too and you said you hadn’t seen him all day. That was a lie. You knew the truth would make me more upset.

But no one has broken my heart quite like you did. I told you not to walk away from me and face this; you said I was being self-centred and pushed me away. You did me a solid by leaving school soon after. Passing you in the hallways as if we never knew each other rubbed the salt. We never spoke again until that night we were waiting in line at the same club three years later. Your hair was blonde and your eyebrows looked different. I still wanted to be the better person so I said ‘hey’. You had enough liquid courage to look at me point blank and say ‘hey’ back. I turned back around because that’s all we needed to say. All our truths should be left alone.

I don’t hate you. How can I? I didn’t know it at the time but your greed, callousness and insecurities were part of my life’s design by a higher power. We were never meant to be in each other lives past high school. All our plans and promises were never meant to transpire. You had to let me go so I could find people who could give me a better life and put my broken pieces back together. There’s one thing I do hate though; whenever I see a night sky full of stars it reminds me of that night. The last night.

I didn’t put your card back into the box. It use to be a relic of our friendship, but it turned into a piece of deadwood paper folded four times and now it’s gone for good. It’s been 10 years since I felt the pain of missing you, but I haven’t since and I never will again. I forgive you even if you’re not sorry. I just hope you made your peace with everything.