Intercourse, outercourse or no-course: Is it all sex?

So your doctor asks you those questions. You know the ones. How many sexual partners have you had? Have you had unprotected sex in the last six months? And even, if you take certain medications, do you orgasm frequently?  You smile nervously and think back to the weekend before last when you thought in a drunken haze giving that guy a blowjob in the master bedroom was a fair trade for a finger bang before throwing up in the en suite. Um, does that count?

Recently I fell victim to irregular periods on the pill for the first time (if you’ve changed your diet and lost weight, trust me don’t be scared). So after my doc cleared me of stress and chlamydia, I had no choice but to wait until my hormones balanced out. In the meantime, I tracked these pesky bi monthly bleeds on an app. A cute pussy cat (you can change the animal if you find a cat to be too ironic!) notifies you when your period is coming or when it’s late. I never paid much attention to the other features of the app until my cycle went haywire. Turns out you can add notes to any day of the month like your mood, your flow, your symptoms and whether you had, quote, intercourse that day.

The words ‘intercourse’ and ‘sex’ are regarded as synonymous far too often. While ‘sex’ can be an abbreviation of ‘sexual intercourse’ it is not limited to just that act alone. Sex is oral sex, anal sex, dry humping, mutual masturbation, BDSM activities, phone sex, cybersex, reading or watching erotica, kissing with tongue on the mouth and on body parts, or whatever you want it to be. I guess this app does not recognise flourishing same-sex relationships in women. Perhaps they would find humour in that intercourse is not completely out of the question, but the word still suggests a man is attached to the phallus.

Tap on ‘intercourse’ and you’re taken to a new page of direct questions. Condom option: Unprotected or protected? With penile-vaginal intercourse and therefore pregnancy ruled out for same-sex couples, STI risks seem to lose its urgency within its discourse. Women who have sex with women and/or men can use something called a dental dam. These are a little different to the thick rubber sheets that make your teeth stick out like Predator in the dentist’s chair; they are made from thin latex material to allow for greater sensation. They cover the vulva area for protection against STIs and come in a variety of flavours, so lick away. Unfortunately, dental dams cannot be found in the sexual health aisle of supermarkets but are available at safe sex clinics, sexual health not-for-profit organisations and also online. A simple solution to this scarcity is to cut an ultra-thin condom to make a sheet. But I wouldn’t give this app or conservative mainstream society’s lack of interest and embarrassment the satisfaction. Anyway, moving on.

Female orgasm: No (sad face)/Yes (happy face). Okay, so this is unsavoury. Before you tap ‘no’ with a sigh because you faked it or didn’t quite get there, consider this: If you’re horror movie fan like me, you’ve probably seen what I like to call the cinematic orgasm. You know, girl rides guy and comes after a few pumps before the slasher villain stabs her in the jugular? Before the bloodbath, this is deemed enjoyable because she came (and he obviously did too, probably together). Well, it doesn’t have to be this way; orgasm is not the goal, enjoyment is. In fact, the Karezza method (Italian, of course, for caress) omits the big O from the convoluted, messy and objective way of having sex to prioritise the three C’s: connection, closeness and communication. Don’t let your anxiety about having an orgasm cloud all the other pleasures you feel with your partner. Just let go. Breathe.

Wait, there’s more; how many times? Mother Nature has moulded us women into multi-orgasmic beings, and if your partner is also a woman and you’re chasing the elusive multiple O’s, you’re in luck and rightfully so. With marriage and civil union rights stripped for same-sex couples in most parts of the world, they are not disadvantaged in the bedroom. Scientists (Frederick, John, Garcia, & Lloyd, 2017) from California revolutionised how sexual orientation is linked with orgasm frequency. From over 50,000 men and women of all ages and sexual orientations, the orgasm rates for men – homosexual, bisexual and heterosexual – were the same (around 90 percent of the time, no surprises there), but rates for women showed some distinction. Women who identified as lesbian had the highest orgasm rate at 86 percent, a rate 20 percent higher than women who identified as bisexual or heterosexual. Before you give him the McKayla Maroney unimpressed silver-medalist face, it’s not his fault, well, not always. Researchers believe this gap is caused by hormonal differences, sex and gender roles and length of sexual encounters – out of his control. Women who have sex with women also tend to take turns in pleasuring each other until each is satisfied. Seems fair, but the male-female sexual and power dynamics in the bedroom make this a little hard.

If you’re a quality over quantity kind of girl like myself, don’t feel thwarted if your BFF texts you how many times she came last night from this new – but actually recycled from another issue – position she saw in Cosmo. I relish basking in the afterglow of my (and my partner’s) efforts. Then I want to reward my dopamine high with food or sleep, not put myself through another sexual response cycle. I want my body to come down, recover and clean up just like after a party. Also, with the emoji overuse, she’s probably exaggerating!

So shake your head of out the gutter. It’s okay to be nervous, but try to tell your doctor the truth with confidence; they want to help you. As mine likes to remind me; she’s heard it all before. And now you know that sneaky blowjob does count as unprotected sex and you’ve gained a new sexual partner whether you wake up with regret or not. Enjoy whatever kind of sex you have. We humans and dolphins are hardwired to do so, but don't forget to protect yourself and your partner.

Take care

Little Wolf.

References

Frederick, D.A., John, H.K., Garcia, J.R., & Lloyd, E.A. (2017). Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample. Archives of Sexual Behaviour, 10, 1-16.